What are the keys to being a good life coach?  They are indeed the same as the secrets to effective communication.  After years of practice, I am 100% certain that by far the most important attribute of being a good coach is having the capacity not only to listen to, but to hear what people are really saying.  Furthermore, this skill easily transcends the topic of life coaching and is the fundamental building block for relationships with your spouse, children, co-workers and friends. 

This article is designed to support your capacity to communicate (whether you are a life coach or someone looking to improve listening skills) with others in either challenging or already flourishing relationships. 

What does it mean to be an Empathetic Listener? 

Dictionary.com defines empathy as:

"Identification with and understanding of another’s situation, feelings, and motives"

Now, I’ve written articles in the past about the impossibility of really ‘understanding’ exactly how someone else feels or see’s the world.  We are all unique and our experiences as well as our personality create the world that we see.  Because we are all unique, and each of us has a different set of experiences, it’s never possible to really and truly understand exactly how someone else feels and thinks.  Knowing this fact helps me keep from passing judgement on others.  In fact, I love it when people ask me if a certain situation is ‘normal’ and what my opinion is on the matters of their life.  Without exception, my response is one which supports them in seeing for themselves how little my opinion matters! 

Now that we know our limitations, lets talk about the opportunities we do have in relating with others.  As human beings we may not have the capacity to understand others fully, but we can relate to them.  We can show sympathy for, and we can empathize with the situation of others.  We can create a spaciousness in conversation that demonstrates our caring, our true concern, our love for that other person.  Empathetic listening starts with a state of being rather than a series of actions.  A very small amount of what we communicate is done through the actual words we say.  Its our presence that shines, our engagement, our true motivations that are seen and felt.  We may not understand exactly how someone feels, but by listening to and relating to them we create an environment which is much more empowering.  

What can I do to Relate with Someone?

Relating is as simple as being able to connect with someone in such a way that when they talk to you, you become engaged.  It triggers your ‘caring’ mechanism regardless of whether or not you know what it is that they are going through. 

As someone that has been diagnosed with cancer in the past, I often ‘relate’ well with others that are dealing with cancer or who have been newly diagnosed.  Should it help to build our relationship, I may share my story - however, only to the capacity that it provides benefit to the person I am speaking with.  I must have a purpose to share it - such as to instill a sense of hope or optimism.  I always let them know that while I may relate to their challenges, everyone is different and that their journey will be unique.   I am willing to support them in the ways they feel are most appropriate, because truly I do not know what they need (I only know what I needed in my situation). 

As a reader, you may be thinking - How does this apply to my son that won’t speak to me, or my sister that is ruining her life, or my boss that’s a jerk.  I’ve got nothing in common with them - I can not even communicate let alone relate! 

In these situations, we create our opportunities for communicating (real communication) with empathetic listening.  We break down our own belief patterns, let go of our ego, our need to be right, our anger and frustrations from the past and we begin by being open.  By listening instead of talking.  To hearing not only the words they say but searching for the meaning behind those words.  We do so because we cherish the relationship with that person - whoever they choose to be.  We do it because we are clear of our vision of how we want to interact with that person, and that vision is so much stronger than our need to be right and our need to have the answer.  Empathetic listening starts in the heart, not in the head. 

Listening with our Hearts versus our Heads

When we listen with our heads, we process, we analyze, we become logical and we solve.  In some situations this is extremely appropriate.  When we work, whether its in the office, on schoolwork or maintaining the house, listening and examining with our heads provides sensible, efficient and relevant solutions. 

When we are working with people and working on relationships its very possible that listening with our heads is the is the worst thing that can be done.  Rather than really hearing what is important, we miss the boat and provide a solution.  As we know, since its not possible to understand someone fully (and if we are struggling to relate the gap becomes even wider), the only solution we are capable of providing  is the one that we want or we imagine.  Giving this ‘advice’ might even increase the friction in the relationship when people do not see eye to eye. 

Instead of listening with our heads we need to listen with our hearts.  Listening with our hearts means that we seek the opportunity to relate as closely as possible to others, not to have the opportunity to provide our opinions, but rather to seek understanding because we know it is the kind of relationship we want to have.  The closer we relate to the person, the more we are capable of understanding them. 

For family interactions this can be particularly difficult as there may be a lot of time and history invested in another way of being.  Our ego has become so strong (and perhaps our counterparts has as well) that it takes time and effort to change.  A common error is to read an article such as this and to give the concept lip service.  To attempt to communicate with your heart - by processing the concept with your brain.  For example - your brain says, ‘If I tell my son that I love him and I would like to improve our relationship, then I will be engaging my heart’.  Well its a start, but its not embracing the philosophy.  As soon as your son rejects your small effort to communicate with him, your brain says - ‘this didn’t work, that brat doesn’t even care!’ 

When we are truly engaged in the principles of listening with the heart, we hear the rejection for what it really is.  Perhaps its an indication that they have been hurt.  Perhaps they are being challenged in other areas they are not prepared to deal with.  An empathetic listener would not snap back, but rather acknowledge their frustration and unique situation without judgement or agenda.  The ONLY way you can do this, is to let go of your own opinions and invest yourself in being open to the thoughts, your preconceptions and ideas of another. 

The More I learn the More Challenging it Becomes

I’d like to complete this article with a note on some of the challenges faced with becoming more knowledgeable.  When I coach in the Health and Wellness world, there are times I feel I was a better coach when I knew very little about some key areas of health I am proficient in today.  The less I knew, the less I had the capacity to provide information.  The less I could lead the conversation.  The more I would focus on listening rather than speaking - simply because I knew less. 

It is easy to give our opinion, our advice, to share our knowledge.  It is exact.  It is specific, it comes from a foundation we are comfortable with - our own personal experience and education.  My challenge for you is to heighten your consciousness such that you know when it is appropriate to be an educator and when it is appropriate to be an empathetic listener.  Knowing this is the key to being a good coach whether it be as a life coach, or as a human being living an human experience.

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Be Well

PS - don’t forget that there is always the opportunity to fill the space with small talk that is neither educational nor requires empathetic listening.  Become astute at recognizing ‘when’ these approaches are relevant.  You don’t need me to tell you when that is :O)

Related Articles:

• What is a Life Coach?
• The Fallacy of - ‘I Just Want to be Normal’
• Developing the Vision

Written by Doug Nau, The Wellness Coach, i-grow.net