Last year, I wrote an article on Coaching a Friend which discussed the challenges, benefits, and how to’s on coaching a friend, partner or someone that is very close to you.  Most of us are clearly not trained to be life coaches, but we are faced with opportunities within relationships to support others in moving forward, getting ahead and in creating a better life for themselves.  If you’ve been trying to encourage family or friends to make positive change, this article will provide guidelines on how to do this most effectively (and without ruffling any feathers).   

I like to share real life examples of situations that clearly worked.  This past weekend I met a client that brought her spouse into a coaching meeting.  The topic was specifically related to health - managing stress and managing fitness.  The spouse (not the client) had a very positive attitude and some fantastic ideas on how his wife could make steps towards her health goals, however up until our meeting she had not taken action.  Now, I am quite certain that this family had these discussions in the past but I’d be willing to bet my salary that our meeting was the first time that she personally took ownership of what she needed to do.  She may have heard gentle nudges from her spouse, and may have thought ‘I need to start taking care of myself’, but up until now, no action had taken place.  During the course of our 20 minute meeting, she declared change and left ready to conquer the world.  In the past, she heard what her husband was saying - but the environment of our coaching meeting fostered a decision to take action.  This decision came from within.  This clearly demonstrates the key to this article - support others by helping them see their own answer for themselves!

Where does the decision to change come from?

The example above demonstrates a supportive husband that was willing to help out, but was not pressuring his agenda upon his wife.  He knew the decision to change always comes from within.  I’ll repeat this over and over, the decision to change must come from within!  Its extremely difficult and often generates turbulence in a relationship when someone suggests or attempts to influence any kind of change on a partner that is very close to them.  When people start to be perceived as having the right answers for others, the person receiving the advice may reject it emphatically even if its something they would like to do!  Clearly the ego plays a significant role when it comes to offering advice.  The ego is easily offended, fragile, and eager to fight back- particularly when entering these types of conversations with someone that is extremely close.  The key in suggesting change is to communicate with the person themselves rather than the ego surrounding that person.  The best way to do that is to lay down your own ego first. 

Clear yourself first

Its easy to tell others what to do.  When I meet meet with clients, I know they should eat better, exercise more, take time for a stress break etc etc etc.  But do I really know this?  How do I know what is best for the person that comes in front of me?  I can speak from my experience, but can I speak from their experience?  The more I think about it the less I realize I truly know about what matters to the person in front of me.  This makes me more curious.  It makes me want to know more about them.  More about what really matters to them.  Its easier to do this when your relationship is less developed, but can be done even more powerfully when you know someone very well.

Becoming curious about what someone really wants can be done gently.  People appreciate a genuine interest.  They like to talk about their passions, their interests, and they like to be around people that really listen to them.  This is human nature. 

We’ve become extremely adept at listening without hearing.  At looking someone in the eye, acknowledging what they are saying with a nod - all the while letting our minds run wild in a million other directions.  We are prepared to solve their problem instead of simply being focused on hearing what they are saying.  Often people don’t want your advice, they want to talk, to be heard, and to know they are truly being heard (the purpose of what they are saying, not just the words).

If you plan on suggesting to someone close to you to make a change, be ready to listen first, then listen second.  Make sure your ego has been set aside such that you are not looking to snap back when your ideas are not readily accepted and implemented.  Clear your agenda and listen not because you know it is the easiest way in supporting others to make the change that you want, but rather because you truly care about what is important to them and you are willing to understand what is important to them.

What kind of discussions should I have?

When you’ve gotten to the point that you are ready to listen first and deep in your heart you’ve connected with the knowledge that you can accept any outcome of the discussion (this will be shown by the way you react in conversation), then you are ready to suggest change.  To be most effective, remember that change comes from within!  Given that knowledge, imagine a way in which you can discuss a situation with the person close to you that may allow them to open up conversation.  Give them the spaciousness to offer their own solutions that may work for the perceived problem.  If they do not perceive a problem at all, seek to understand how they truly feel about the situation you are bringing up.  Do not provide advice and stay away from saying ‘you should’ type of comments.

When you chat with the person make it open ad friendly.  Have them invite you into their soul for the moment.  Ask them what is important to them about the topic you feel needs change.  See if they feel the same.  Ask them what they think is the best path forward.  If they have told you all their ideas on the topic, but have not considered what you are thinking, introduce it as an idea if it is still appropriate.  Let them know that you are not sold on this idea, and get their thoughts on x,y or z.  This is where you will be tested on your sincerity, it also gives them the opportunity to take ownership of the idea.  If they provide a response that is not what you want, and you are truly looking out for their best interest then that will be OK.  If you are struggling with the response then you’ve clearly got an agenda for that person and you need to recognize this within yourself.  You might simply elect to let that person know what is in your heart - that you are concerned, you care, or you want the best for them.  Above all, let them know you respect the decision they choose not because its the right thing to say, but because you truly do respect that decision. 

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Be Well

Related Articles:

• Coaching a Friend
• Letting Go of the Ego
• Being an Empathetic Listener - Skill #1 for Life Coaches and those seeking to Enhance Relationships

Written by Doug Nau, The Wellness Coach, i-grow.net