Become a Master of Acknowledgement

By dougnau on Dec 2, 2008 in Life Coaching, Support, Wellness Coaching

One of the core competencies of a certified life/wellness coach is to become masterful with the use and timing of acknowledgement. Acknowledgement is one of the most powerful tools we can use to support others in moving forward towards their own goals and dreams. On the other hand, acknowledgement that is used in an improper fashion can come off as ‘happy go lucky’, ‘flowery’, ‘naive’, or be downright ‘annoying’.

In my training, interactions throughout life, and mostly in working with clients as a life/wellness coach, I’ve had the opportunity to study the affects of acknowledgement on others. I’d be flat out lying if I said that its always worked for me to produce the result that I was looking for in moving my clients forward. The lesson that I take from this is that even the simple act of acknowledgment takes practice. This article is designed to discuss the right and wrong ways to acknowledge clients, friends, family or acquaintances – whether its to express gratitude, or to help them see something for themselves when you feel you can help them move forward in one or more aspects of life.

What is Acknowledgement?

Lets look at what acknowledgement really is before going any further. According to dictionary.com, acknowledgement is:

“recognition of the existence or truth of something”

Personally, I like this definition. Acknowledgement is simply pointing out the truth. Now often that truth is that we appreciate what someone has done for us as their actions have been particularly meaningful. In this case, acknowledgement is easy. We simply express gratitude either verbally, in the form of a gift, with a hug, or by sharing what they’ve done right with co-workers etc that might also appreciate the effort. Perhaps we feel compelled to reciprocate the favor.

While this form of acknowledgement is pretty straightforward, and there’s little chance to do it wrong (ie: pretty much everyone appreciates a thank you in some form or another), there is a more complicated and powerful way to acknowledge people – particularly when they feel stuck, down, or unmotivated. It’s a recognition of the truth to who someone is rather than what they’ve simply done. For example, you may comment on the courage that a friend has to face a difficult situation in their marriage, rather than simply acknowledging them for calling a counselor. The appeal is to their being rather than to their actions.

What can go wrong with Acknowledgement?

I mentioned that I’ve had said my fair share of acknowledgements that to say it kindly, were not as effective as I’d of liked for them to be. Let me share some things to look out for when you start using this tool regularly in your life.

Over-Acknowledging – I’ve done this more than I care to admit. For sure its important to recognize people for what they’ve done and who they are, but when you constantly praise someone for each small act they accomplish, the acknowledgement may not even be heard. Certainly, it will be unlikely to have any impact. On the other extreme, acknowledging too much might even annoy someone that feels you are coming off as a phony. They may not like your overly optimistic attitude.
Not Connecting – Sometimes you are seeing something in someone else that they do not see themselves. I remember acknowledging a number of clients on small successes with nutrition/exercise when they felt that their accomplishments represented a failure because their goals were set so much higher than what they did. By missing how they really felt about what they had done before speaking up, I turned out what I had intended on being a positive statement into an opportunity to digress back to what an unsuccessful few weeks it had been.
The Run on Sentence – An acknowledgement is simply recognizing the truth in someone or a situation. As human beings we have a tendency to want to talk. To share our ideas. To give advice. When we acknowledge someone, this is not the place to share our thoughts and ideas. I recall clearly one time that I acknowledged a client for her courage to consider quitting smoking, and in the same sentence I mentioned that I was certain she’d have success. I was trying to be a positive influence, but it stirred up so much monkey mind that this client didn’t even hear the acknowledgement, all she could react to was how uncertain she was that she could actually do it. She also wondered how I could be so certain! That was definitely one of my most ineffective uses of acknowledgement.
Talking too much – Its not always that we say the wrong things during an acknowledgement, but often that we just keep on talking! A heartfelt acknowledgement will be heard, and it will touch the heart. Often the best way to let it be heard, is to stop talking. To let silence fill the room such that the person you are speaking with has a chance to let it sink in. This can be difficult, but speaking too soon – even if its on the same topic – can turn a powerful acknowledgment into nothing more than a statement.

As you can see, acknowledgement takes practice and experience to truly master (and I still learn what works and what does not each and every day). Every individual is different and reacts in their own way. Regardless, the following section provides tips that are pretty much guaranteed to work.

Making the Perfect Acknowledgement

The preceding section provides a lot of insight as to the right ways to acknowledge people by observing the wrong ways. The first thing to know is that the most effective acknowledgement is made in such a way that the person on the receiving end really connects with what you are saying. Another way to put it is: the person receiving the acknowledgement should own that statement after you offer it to him or her. They must see it for themselves when it is verbalized.

Speaking from experience, I’ve been acknowledged in the past from others for the courage I’ve had in building my coaching practice. Unfortunately, this acknowledgement fell on deaf ears because building the business took no courage at all in my mind, I’ve always felt it was something that I had to do as a source of income and revenue. While it was nice to hear that it takes courage for others to do the same, this never resonated with me.

On the other hand, I’ve been acknowledged for the courage I’ve had in quitting my job in the environmental software industry to start a new life and a new career. These acknowledgements (while it was the same core value the others referenced) had much more meaning to me, as I saw for myself how big of a step that was when people brought that to my attention. The first time I heard it, it was as if I had the chance to acknowledge myself for that which I had done. It hit me in the heart.

Making the perfect acknowledgement means finding the right value the person has to acknowledge. Other than being an astute observer and a compassionate listener, there’s not a lot of advice as to how to pick that value. The following tips can be drawn from the mistakes above to help you frame it properly”

Pick one thing to acknowledge at most in a day. It will mean more than throwing out a laundry list.
Acknowledge someone in the proper setting. If its related to work and you want the world to know about someone’s efforts, pick an appropriate place to share it. If its a personal accomplishment, you may want to share it in private.
Look your counterpart in the eye when you share the acknowledgement. They know you are directing it to them when presented this way.
Listen first. This will help you pick out what is appropriate to acknowledge for.
Let it sink in. See the reaction you get from what you say. Give some time before moving onto the next topic as they are probably absorbing what you are saying. Its not every day that someone hears a true acknowledgement.
Pay attention to body language. If someone doesn’t resonate with what you’ve said, its probably not the right thing to acknowledge on. Remember, you can’t make someone see what they do not believe is true. You are not trying to change their minds, you’re just opening the possibility for them to see a truth about themselves that they otherwise might not see.

As you might gather from this discussion, acknowledging oneself for our accomplishments is the real purpose of this exercise. While self acknowledgement is fodder for another article, you can see that in essence a properly designed acknowledgement is really designed to allow the person on the receiving end to acknowledge themselves for what they’ve done. Being present to one’s personal strengths is a powerful and essential way to progress in life. As discussed, acknowledgement is one of the most effective ways to bring about this characteristic.

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