How to Influence Others AND Gain their Respect!

By dougnau on Oct 27, 2009 in Law of Attraction, Life Coaching, Relationship Coaching

There is a fine line between influence and manipulation. When you manipulate someone you are getting them to do or think the way you want them to for your benefit and often to their detriment. Influence, on the other hand, is the gentle persuasion which supports another in seeing and acting in ways they feel comfortable with and are proud to take ownership of. Here’s a real world example.

A real estate agent can manipulate a client by selling them a home that they know will not be a long term fit. The agent in turn gets a check and in several years, a disappointed client. On the other hand, the real estate agent that my wife and I worked with 6 years ago when we purchased our home, did have influence over our decision and definitely steered us in a direction she felt was best in purchasing our first home. Her influence came from a place of understanding our needs, our desire for a family, and a knowledge of the changes planned in the area that we were purchasing in. Our home has turned out to be an amazing fit – we love it and without her influence we would have never even stopped to look at the home.

What I’ve described above is the power of influence. Its something each of us innately has in every relationship. But be warned, when influence verges on manipulation, it becomes hazardous. So what are the keys to influencing others and gaining their respect in the process?

Key #1 – Knowing what others want

If you’d like to influence someone, a great starting point is to learn what it is that they want. Often we assume we know what someone wants. When we do this we can either be dead wrong or we may be leaving out a large piece of the puzzle. So, before giving someone your pitch, open the lines of communication, learn what it is they want and offer a proposal that is in alignment with what you know is true – not what you thought was true. Even if they do not agree with your intended outcome, this approach will make the proposal that much more palatable.

Key #2 – Letting others see it for themselves

Life coaches are trained in being masterful at letting others find answers for themselves. When presenting your proposal, rather than forcing your ideas, present them and pay attention to how your counterpart reacts. Is there uncertainty, is there frustration, is there agreement? These are all keys as to how to communicate. Uncertainty warrants explanation (and be careful now to be ‘selling’ your pitch too much at this point). Frustration requires compassion and a desire to seek understanding. Agreement lets you move right to the conversation about action.

The key is that rather than looking to convince someone that your viewpoint is right and that they should act the way you want them to act, your approach should be a conversation which supports someone seeing for themselves that your proposal is a good idea. So what questions can you ask that might open the space for a frustrated or uncertain counterpart to see some potential and opportunity? They don’t want your reasons why this is a good idea, they want to find their own reasons. Make helping them do this on their own your priority.

Key #3 – The power of diagnosis

Interesting psychological studies have been performed on groups which indicate that people typically act in accordance with expectations. An interesting study in the military demonstrated that those randomly labeled as ‘high performers, average performers, and low performers’ to their superiors mysteriously conformed to these expectations in measures as real as written test scores. What happened? The superior officers had higher expectations, they unconsciously treated the high performers with greater integrity, and more opportunity. As a result, the soldiers in no obsolete way became the expected role.

How does this apply to influence? Our perception of others has a tremendous influence on how they actually are! If we expect someone to be agreeable, open and excited, then it is likely that they will be. If we expect an opposite reaction, then so be it. Ever heard of the ‘Law of Attraction’?

This lesson goes well beyond just setting expectations, it suggests that acknowledging others for strengths and pointing out qualities that you feel they have can be extremely influential. Who doesn’t like to hear from their boss that they are a tremendous asset from the team and they are the right person to lead a new project? Even if the project isn’t one that is the most exciting one for that person, this sort of acknowledgement can set the stage for happily accepting the task (particularly if the acknowledgement is well founded).

Key #4 – Letting Go

In order to be successful with the first three keys to influencing others you must absolutely be willing to let go. If under the surface you are firm in your beliefs and you must have things a certain way, then its much more likely that your attempt at influencing will be perceived as or turn into manipulation. If you want to be successful influencing others, you must truly have their best interests in mind. When you’ve lost touch with this key element, you can in no way persuade effectively. You’ve become rigid and inflexible. While you may not want to let go of your ideas, once you become willing you’ll have greater success.

Is it Ethical for a Coach to Influence Clients?

What a rich question. Keep in mind, we all influence others in every interaction. Whether we influence them to smile back at us because we smile at them, or we influence them to buy a house, this is all influence. A coach is always influencing a client. Influencing them to challenge unproductive ways of thinking, influencing them to see and form bigger picture goals, influencing them to be open to greater possibilities. Yes, a coach influences clients, its impossible not to.

The real question is whether or not it is ethical to manipulate a client into creating goals which are not their own. Of course, the answer is no. Once you’ve found the goal which speaks to their heart, a coach may influence the client towards a path that can help them attain that goal. While the client may kick and scream along the way, deep inside they appreciate and respect you for your influence. This is what our real estate agent did with us, and this is what you’ll need to do to influence others and the world in a congruent and positive way.

Be Well